BREAKING NEWS: Student Athletes Favored Over Regular Students

COLUMBUS--According to a recent survey at the Ohio State University, members of sports teams seem to get favorable treatment from students, professors, administration, and even non-students.

According to the survey (completed inside Ohio Stadium last Saturday afternoon), almost all of the University's attention went directly towards the athletes. Of the 110,056 participants polled, only a handful were in attendance to see someone other than the two dozen or so gentlemen in uniform on the grassy rectangle.

"I think it's unfair that of the hundred thousand or so people who are here today, only a small percentage take up all of the attention and glory" said a nerd. "There are other things to do at football games other than watch football the whole time!"

The past year has been brutal for OSU players and administration for allowing boosters to give student athletes money or pay for amenities because of their status.

"People give athletes stuff so they can hang out with them. I don't see what the problem is" said a girl.

Perry Winkler

Man Divorces Cleveland

CLEVELAND--Long time Cleveland Indians fan, Brutus Mung, has officially filed for divorce from the team he has been in a relationship with for the past 30 years. Judge Beeftop LaRue was asked to rule on the matter and granted Mung full custody over his three children and also full custody over his collection of dignity.

"I've never had to rule on a matter like this before" says Mung, "but it's good to see a man have the proper time with his dignity that any man has the right to."

But there are two sides to every story.

"We just can't help ourselves," said The Indians. "We were born this way. It's really not our fault." Unfortunately for them, they will be spending much less time with the Mung children than they would like. "We loved the kids and we're sad to be seen less by them," they said.

They originally filed for full custody of the children, but then Mung's attorney brought it to the attention of Judge LaRue that the relationship was established long before Mung was of legal age of consent and therefore Cleveland was deemed unsuitable for custody and sentenced to being jerks.

Perry Winkler

Lockout Over But Browns Still In Denial

CLEVELAND--Millions around the country are rejoicing that there will indeed be NFL football in 2011 after the announcement was made last weekend that a deal had been reached.

Cleveland, however, still seems to think that the lockout is in full effect.

CB Joe Haden was seen at Cleveland's popular Melt Bar and Grilled restaurant stuffing his face with delicious food.

"I'm here all the time," says Haden. "I love the food here and since we're locked out, I suppose I'll have more time to spend here."

When told that the lockout had been resolved and the season was underway, Haden responded "Pretty sure that was just a rumor. Can you pass that basket of fries?"

Kick Return Specialist Josh Cribbs was too busy tweeting to field any questions about why he wasn't preparing for the upcoming season and RB Peyton Hillis is still in Arkansas where state law prohibits cell reception.

GM Mike Holmgren seemed to have no qualms with the lockout either. "We're playing for 2013" says Holmgren. "This season was just going to be practice. We were really hoping Colt [McCoy] would've finished puberty by now."

Perry Winkler

Secret Plans For 'Q' Booby Trap Revealed!

CLEVELAND--Quicken Loans Arena building manager, Brutus Mung, has recently been taken into custody when it was discovered that he had built a trap door into the floor of the arena in hopes of ensnaring returning basketball player Lebron James.

Owner Dan Gilbert was allegedly not involved with the bizarre scheme. "I had no idea that this was happening, and I trusted Brutus to get the job done, er....get his job done," Gilbert said.

The plan was for Lebron to enter center court for a "special announcement" where the Cavs would drop the floor out from under him. He would then fall into a vat of specially concocted formula that would drain him of his talent, money, and desire to live.

-Perry Winkler

Indians Officially Winning Cleveland's Rebuilding Race

CLEVELAND--In a statement from the city of Cleveland yesterday, the Indians have officially taken over first place in the race to rebuild one of the town's three sports franchises. Many believed the announcement would herald the Browns as the leaders, but in a shocking turn of events, The City voted the Tribe it's poster-child for rebuilding.

"We've had many phone calls and emails over the past few weeks in support of the Browns being given this honor," said Cleveland. "But we felt that the sheer volume of roster destruction the Dolans had completed this season was too much to overlook."

The Indians have done the miraculous job of trading away 5 of their starting 9 hitters, 4 of their 5 starting pitchers, and their closer--16 in total from their original 31 man roster. The Browns were confident they would be chosen for the award after cutting both QBs (Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn) along with RB Jamal Lewis.

"We're sad to finish 2nd in voting--we really thought we deserved better than this," said Browns GM Mike Holmgren. "But we're going to do our best to trade away as many players as possible by the end of this season to make sure this doesn't happen again. You have my word." [Holmgren then muttered something to his assistant that sounded like "Hillis."]

Of course, this only accounts for two teams in the league, but when asked about why the Cavs didn't garner more votes after all of their offseason moves, the city of Cleveland commented by saying, "too soon."

-Perry Winkler

Yankees Call Up Wood, Kearns From Triple-A Cleveland

NEW YORK-- The defending world chumps made roster moves on Friday to bolster their lineup in anticipation for the playoffs. With injuries to pitchers Andy Pettitte and Damaso Marte, the Yankees called up pitcher Kerry Wood from their minor league farm team in Cleveland. This comes just a day after they gave the call to outfielder Austin Kearns.

"We weren't necessarily in desperate need, but we thought they'd like a taste of the Big Leagues," said manager Joe Girardi. "We brought them on board just for fun."

Kearns was batting .266 for Cleveland with 8 homers and 42 RBIs. Wood had blown 4 saves this year with an ERA of 6.30.

"We're always sad to see our guys move up," said Yankee affiliated AAA Cleveland manager Manny Acta. "But it's a good opportunity for them and we're always glad to help out our organization. That's what we're here for. That's our job."

Wood's $10 million annual salary will drop the average pay a few notches, but manager Joe Girardi is certain they will unnecessarily bolster it next season.

"I think if we just dilute the Cristal that we use in the locker room showers that should give us enough money for our 2011 roster."

Perry Winkler

Ohio Spelling Champ Seeks Free Agency

CINCINNATI-- Anamika Veeramani, newly crowned National Spelling Bee champion announced today that she is willing to talk to other states about spelling for them in the upcoming 2010-2011 bee season. Rumors had been flying that the 14-year old Veeramani was anxious to move on.

"I can't say one way or another where Anamika is headed," said her agent, Brutus Mung. "But I can tell you this, wherever she goes, that state will be lucky to have her!"

After a grueling battle with the other contestants, Veeramani nailed the last word "stromuhr" to take home the hardware.

"I'm going to enjoy this for a little while, but then it's back to work. I'm always looking forward to next season," Veeramani said. "I love Ohio. I love what I've done here, but I'm going to do what's best for me and my family."

Word on the street is that Pennsylvania is trying to poach Veeramani to join other A-list spellers Barak DeRosa and Ween Alloway, while New York has been talking to Duke's spelling coach Tom Grevieshkva in order to entice Veeramani to come spell for them. Pennsylvania and New York were unavailable for comment.

But Ohioans still have two months to try to convince Veeramani to stay--she was grounded last week by her parents for not cleaning her room. "She's not going anywhere," said Mr. Veeramani.

Aramika is un-grounded July 23rd. Mark your Calendars.

-Perry Winkler