BREAKING NEWS: Student Athletes Favored Over Regular Students

COLUMBUS--According to a recent survey at the Ohio State University, members of sports teams seem to get favorable treatment from students, professors, administration, and even non-students.

According to the survey (completed inside Ohio Stadium last Saturday afternoon), almost all of the University's attention went directly towards the athletes. Of the 110,056 participants polled, only a handful were in attendance to see someone other than the two dozen or so gentlemen in uniform on the grassy rectangle.

"I think it's unfair that of the hundred thousand or so people who are here today, only a small percentage take up all of the attention and glory" said a nerd. "There are other things to do at football games other than watch football the whole time!"

The past year has been brutal for OSU players and administration for allowing boosters to give student athletes money or pay for amenities because of their status.

"People give athletes stuff so they can hang out with them. I don't see what the problem is" said a girl.

Perry Winkler

Man Divorces Cleveland

CLEVELAND--Long time Cleveland Indians fan, Brutus Mung, has officially filed for divorce from the team he has been in a relationship with for the past 30 years. Judge Beeftop LaRue was asked to rule on the matter and granted Mung full custody over his three children and also full custody over his collection of dignity.

"I've never had to rule on a matter like this before" says Mung, "but it's good to see a man have the proper time with his dignity that any man has the right to."

But there are two sides to every story.

"We just can't help ourselves," said The Indians. "We were born this way. It's really not our fault." Unfortunately for them, they will be spending much less time with the Mung children than they would like. "We loved the kids and we're sad to be seen less by them," they said.

They originally filed for full custody of the children, but then Mung's attorney brought it to the attention of Judge LaRue that the relationship was established long before Mung was of legal age of consent and therefore Cleveland was deemed unsuitable for custody and sentenced to being jerks.

Perry Winkler

Lockout Over But Browns Still In Denial

CLEVELAND--Millions around the country are rejoicing that there will indeed be NFL football in 2011 after the announcement was made last weekend that a deal had been reached.

Cleveland, however, still seems to think that the lockout is in full effect.

CB Joe Haden was seen at Cleveland's popular Melt Bar and Grilled restaurant stuffing his face with delicious food.

"I'm here all the time," says Haden. "I love the food here and since we're locked out, I suppose I'll have more time to spend here."

When told that the lockout had been resolved and the season was underway, Haden responded "Pretty sure that was just a rumor. Can you pass that basket of fries?"

Kick Return Specialist Josh Cribbs was too busy tweeting to field any questions about why he wasn't preparing for the upcoming season and RB Peyton Hillis is still in Arkansas where state law prohibits cell reception.

GM Mike Holmgren seemed to have no qualms with the lockout either. "We're playing for 2013" says Holmgren. "This season was just going to be practice. We were really hoping Colt [McCoy] would've finished puberty by now."

Perry Winkler