Secret Plans For 'Q' Booby Trap Revealed!

CLEVELAND--Quicken Loans Arena building manager, Brutus Mung, has recently been taken into custody when it was discovered that he had built a trap door into the floor of the arena in hopes of ensnaring returning basketball player Lebron James.

Owner Dan Gilbert was allegedly not involved with the bizarre scheme. "I had no idea that this was happening, and I trusted Brutus to get the job done, er....get his job done," Gilbert said.

The plan was for Lebron to enter center court for a "special announcement" where the Cavs would drop the floor out from under him. He would then fall into a vat of specially concocted formula that would drain him of his talent, money, and desire to live.

-Perry Winkler

Indians Officially Winning Cleveland's Rebuilding Race

CLEVELAND--In a statement from the city of Cleveland yesterday, the Indians have officially taken over first place in the race to rebuild one of the town's three sports franchises. Many believed the announcement would herald the Browns as the leaders, but in a shocking turn of events, The City voted the Tribe it's poster-child for rebuilding.

"We've had many phone calls and emails over the past few weeks in support of the Browns being given this honor," said Cleveland. "But we felt that the sheer volume of roster destruction the Dolans had completed this season was too much to overlook."

The Indians have done the miraculous job of trading away 5 of their starting 9 hitters, 4 of their 5 starting pitchers, and their closer--16 in total from their original 31 man roster. The Browns were confident they would be chosen for the award after cutting both QBs (Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn) along with RB Jamal Lewis.

"We're sad to finish 2nd in voting--we really thought we deserved better than this," said Browns GM Mike Holmgren. "But we're going to do our best to trade away as many players as possible by the end of this season to make sure this doesn't happen again. You have my word." [Holmgren then muttered something to his assistant that sounded like "Hillis."]

Of course, this only accounts for two teams in the league, but when asked about why the Cavs didn't garner more votes after all of their offseason moves, the city of Cleveland commented by saying, "too soon."

-Perry Winkler

Yankees Call Up Wood, Kearns From Triple-A Cleveland

NEW YORK-- The defending world chumps made roster moves on Friday to bolster their lineup in anticipation for the playoffs. With injuries to pitchers Andy Pettitte and Damaso Marte, the Yankees called up pitcher Kerry Wood from their minor league farm team in Cleveland. This comes just a day after they gave the call to outfielder Austin Kearns.

"We weren't necessarily in desperate need, but we thought they'd like a taste of the Big Leagues," said manager Joe Girardi. "We brought them on board just for fun."

Kearns was batting .266 for Cleveland with 8 homers and 42 RBIs. Wood had blown 4 saves this year with an ERA of 6.30.

"We're always sad to see our guys move up," said Yankee affiliated AAA Cleveland manager Manny Acta. "But it's a good opportunity for them and we're always glad to help out our organization. That's what we're here for. That's our job."

Wood's $10 million annual salary will drop the average pay a few notches, but manager Joe Girardi is certain they will unnecessarily bolster it next season.

"I think if we just dilute the Cristal that we use in the locker room showers that should give us enough money for our 2011 roster."

Perry Winkler

Ohio Spelling Champ Seeks Free Agency

CINCINNATI-- Anamika Veeramani, newly crowned National Spelling Bee champion announced today that she is willing to talk to other states about spelling for them in the upcoming 2010-2011 bee season. Rumors had been flying that the 14-year old Veeramani was anxious to move on.

"I can't say one way or another where Anamika is headed," said her agent, Brutus Mung. "But I can tell you this, wherever she goes, that state will be lucky to have her!"

After a grueling battle with the other contestants, Veeramani nailed the last word "stromuhr" to take home the hardware.

"I'm going to enjoy this for a little while, but then it's back to work. I'm always looking forward to next season," Veeramani said. "I love Ohio. I love what I've done here, but I'm going to do what's best for me and my family."

Word on the street is that Pennsylvania is trying to poach Veeramani to join other A-list spellers Barak DeRosa and Ween Alloway, while New York has been talking to Duke's spelling coach Tom Grevieshkva in order to entice Veeramani to come spell for them. Pennsylvania and New York were unavailable for comment.

But Ohioans still have two months to try to convince Veeramani to stay--she was grounded last week by her parents for not cleaning her room. "She's not going anywhere," said Mr. Veeramani.

Aramika is un-grounded July 23rd. Mark your Calendars.

-Perry Winkler

Selig Blames Jim Joyce On "Ohio"

DETROIT-- Jim Joyce blew it. Armando Galarraga knew it, base runner Jason Donald knew it, Detroit fans knew it, and once he saw the replay, even Joyce himself knew it.

There have only been 20 such games thrown in the modern era of baseball. Throwing a perfect game will solidify your name among the likes of Sandy Koufax, Roy Halladay, and Cy Young. It's kind of a big deal. And with two outs in the top of the ninth inning, Galarraga was perfect.

"I knew we were watching history. His stuff was amazing," Joyce said after the game. "and I knew if there was a ground ball, like there had been plenty of during the game, that I would be the one to call it. It would be my proudest moment as an umpire."

But Joyce, along with the rest of the officials, had forgotten about... The Curse.

That's right, Jim Joyce was born and raised in Ohio. He attended Ohio schools, drank Ohio water, and nursed from an Ohio-made rubber nipple. He was ingrained with wholesome Ohio morals, taught the value of putting others ahead of yourself. He's even got a buckeye tattoo on his upper thigh. And he had kept it a secret for years until the Galarraga debacle.

There are jobs we were not supposed to hold. There are places us Ohioans cannot go. And there are strict rules about what Ohioans can and cannot do.

Winning is one of them.

Another rule is officiating a historic game. It's there in the MLB Handbook.

"If an umpire crew is in desperate need of able bodied men..."

This is an outdated copy

"...and all of the other 47 other states have been searched..."

See?

"...only then will Major League Baseball accept applicants from the state of Ohio. Furthermore, none of these jokers [sic] shall be allowed to enforce rules in any game of serious consequence. If a game suddenly becomes important, and an umpire from Ohio is in a place of importance, he will be immediately removed and replaced by someone from Boston."

"If I would've known about Joyce's prior record as a convicted Ohioan, I would've immediately pulled the plug on his officiating and had him replaced immediately," Commissioner Bud Selig said. "Baseball can't afford to have their kind making decisions in important situations."

There are actually a series of questions on the "Umpire Admission Exam" specifically designed to weed out Ohioans from the rest. Some are obvious, such as "Are you from the state of Ohio?" Others are much more subtle, as seen below.

"The moment was too big, it was too much for my brain to handle and I blew a fuse," says Joyce. "But it's okay, everyone has been great about it. Even the death threats from Detroit fans have tapered off," he added. "I'm going to move on and I can guarantee that next time I'm in this situation, I'll get the call right!"

Don't count on there being a "next time," Jim.

-Perry Winkler

Lebron James' Evil Conjoined Twin Lost Playoffs

CLEVELAND-- Renowned for his "freakish" size and strength, Two-time NBA Most Valuable Player, Lebron James, will now be sharing his accolades with his twin. In a shocking revelation to CONN, James broke down and admitted that he's not alone in that brutish body of his.

"I've known about it my whole life," said James, fighting back tears. "But I've been too worried about public perception to come out and say it."

But James clammed up and even tried to get his comment stricken from the record. A conjoined twin? It sounded crazy, but CONN investigated further; searching for Gloria James' attending physician.

It's a medical miracle, but not at all implausible. "It actually answers a lot of questions people had about Lebron and his life," said Dr. Brutus Mung, Head of Akron Children's NICU. Dr. Mung was the team lead that treated Lebron's mother, Gloria during her pregnancy and was sworn to silence, along with the rest of the team, until Lebron's own admission freed him.

"I knew that it would either be a huge disadvantage for him in his life or an extreme advantage," said Mung. "It turned out to be the latter."


As it turns out, Gloria was pregnant with conjoined twins, all the way into her third trimester. Some time in between weeks 25 and 30, Lebron absorbed his twin brother. On her next visit to Mung, the X-Rays were normal. "Well, somewhat normal," says Mung. "It was a Lebron-sized normal."

Age 10, Lebron is growing at a rapid rate--already a head above his classmates. His teachers complain about frequent mood swings and drastic changes in personality.

Age 15, James displays amazing physical skill to go along with an accelerated body growth.

Age 18, He is drafted into the NBA by his hometown team, the Cleveland Cavaliers--instantly doubling their previous season's win total his rookie year.

Age 25, Lebron wins his second consecutive MVP award and is on the brink of what many pundits were calling "the best season by any player--ever" until a mental collapse in the Conference Semi-Finals.

Cleveland Ohio News Network tried to speak to James after his initial meltdown, but a representative told CONN that James would be unavailable for comment on that issue.

"With two sets of DNA inside of him, still, it is possible that his twin brother's body and mind fused and his brother's mind took over for a while" said Mung. "It's not only possible, it's likely the only explanation."

Fans of the Cavaliers were more sympathetic towards the superstar after the news leaked about his evil conjoined twin killing their chances at a championship. "Makes sense to me," long time Cavs fan, Tim Carmany commented. "He's literally double my size and has twice as many kids as me. Not to mention almost twice as much money--I feel kinda sorry for the guy."

Now the big question this off-season for NBA fans won't just be where Lebron James will go in free agency, but which Lebron James that will be...

-Perry Winkler

Indians Sign Amateurs To Roster

CLEVELAND- Long time Cleveland Indians fan, Brutus Mung, walked out of Progressive Field after Wednesday's game shaking his head. "Who is Matt LaPorta? Heck, who are any of these guys?"

Good question, Brutus. We had the same thought ourselves.

But belaying our judgement on these professional athletes, CONN conducted an investigation recently and the results were staggering. It turns out that nearly half (47%) of the roster spots for the Cleveland Indians were taken up by [literally] amateurs. Here is where we'll break it down for you:

The aforementioned Matt LaPorta's back story was that he was a minor league sensation, but after contacting AAA Columbus and AA Kingston, no one had ever heard of him. After our search turned up no results, we decided to take the issue to Indians GM Mark Shapiro.

"It's true, Matt has no major or minor league baseball experience" said Shapiro. "We thought we could hide it for a while because he looks like he should be good, and his name was marketable. But there just isn't any way we can justify his performance anymore."

But it didn't stop there. When asked if it had ever happened before, Shapiro was almost eager to talk.

"Are you kidding me? Half our lineup [is] full of [expletive deleted] amateurs!"

In addition to LaPorta, Trevor Crowe, Luis Valbuena, Austin Kearns, Lou Marson, and Mark Grudzielanek are all inexperienced. Marson and Kearns, however, have prior experience in the league.

"There's a rumor going around out there that Austin played for Washington last year" Shapiro said, "that's a bit of a misnomer. He was signed to their squad to fill a gap and due to injuries, actually managed to get on the field once or twice. I don't think he ever factored into a play or anything."

Marson was the same for Philadelphia. "We traded them our Cy Young award winning pitcher and got this dashing young man in return" Shapiro said with a twitch in his eye. We probed further and got more answers.

Luis Valbuena? "He's got a great baseball name. That's why we signed him"

Mark Grudzielanek? "He actually played Hot Stove when he was 12! That was all we needed to hear."

And it all makes perfect sense. Almost all of the under-performers for the year belong to this covert group of amateur professionals.

Hector Ambriz? "He's the nephew of my wife's good friend, so he was kind of a shoo-in."

Justin Masterson? "Oh, no... he's actually played before. He just kinda sucks right now."

When asked about how prevalent this tactic is around the league, Shapiro responded "I'm pretty sure we're the only ones who do it, but I'm sure when this news hits lots of teams will be jumping on board this trend."

-Perry Winkler