Selig Blames Jim Joyce On "Ohio"

DETROIT-- Jim Joyce blew it. Armando Galarraga knew it, base runner Jason Donald knew it, Detroit fans knew it, and once he saw the replay, even Joyce himself knew it.

There have only been 20 such games thrown in the modern era of baseball. Throwing a perfect game will solidify your name among the likes of Sandy Koufax, Roy Halladay, and Cy Young. It's kind of a big deal. And with two outs in the top of the ninth inning, Galarraga was perfect.

"I knew we were watching history. His stuff was amazing," Joyce said after the game. "and I knew if there was a ground ball, like there had been plenty of during the game, that I would be the one to call it. It would be my proudest moment as an umpire."

But Joyce, along with the rest of the officials, had forgotten about... The Curse.

That's right, Jim Joyce was born and raised in Ohio. He attended Ohio schools, drank Ohio water, and nursed from an Ohio-made rubber nipple. He was ingrained with wholesome Ohio morals, taught the value of putting others ahead of yourself. He's even got a buckeye tattoo on his upper thigh. And he had kept it a secret for years until the Galarraga debacle.

There are jobs we were not supposed to hold. There are places us Ohioans cannot go. And there are strict rules about what Ohioans can and cannot do.

Winning is one of them.

Another rule is officiating a historic game. It's there in the MLB Handbook.

"If an umpire crew is in desperate need of able bodied men..."

This is an outdated copy

"...and all of the other 47 other states have been searched..."

See?

"...only then will Major League Baseball accept applicants from the state of Ohio. Furthermore, none of these jokers [sic] shall be allowed to enforce rules in any game of serious consequence. If a game suddenly becomes important, and an umpire from Ohio is in a place of importance, he will be immediately removed and replaced by someone from Boston."

"If I would've known about Joyce's prior record as a convicted Ohioan, I would've immediately pulled the plug on his officiating and had him replaced immediately," Commissioner Bud Selig said. "Baseball can't afford to have their kind making decisions in important situations."

There are actually a series of questions on the "Umpire Admission Exam" specifically designed to weed out Ohioans from the rest. Some are obvious, such as "Are you from the state of Ohio?" Others are much more subtle, as seen below.

"The moment was too big, it was too much for my brain to handle and I blew a fuse," says Joyce. "But it's okay, everyone has been great about it. Even the death threats from Detroit fans have tapered off," he added. "I'm going to move on and I can guarantee that next time I'm in this situation, I'll get the call right!"

Don't count on there being a "next time," Jim.

-Perry Winkler